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Friendships can be a blessing or curse in our lives. To keep you’re your mind de-cluttered and to avoid missing out on new constructive friendships you have to look at where your social relationships are sitting, and be sure to detox harmful people out of your life.
I like to visualise friends sitting in the bark rings of a tree. Close friends who really know my fears, limits and dreams are in the center heart wood, good friends, associates and toxic people like tumors radiate outward from here. The best thing about this model is you can easily break off the tumors that are sitting in the outer rings.
Don’t define you friends by how long you have known them, but focus on the quality they bring into your life.
So here is how you do it!
Take up a pen and paper then draw radiating circles (like bark rings) on your page. In the central ring which is small write Heart Friends. The next circle write Good Friends, the next Associates and the final outer circle write Tumors!
Begin to list all friends and significant people in your life in no particular order in a column to the side of these rings. These friends will be a mix of potential friends, toxic friends, good friends, any friends! Don’t begin to categorise them yet – just list them all down. Now as you look through your completed list, imagine your friends sitting in these radiating ‘bark rings’ because we need to write the names of people in each of these 4 areas.
Heart Friends. These are very close friends, probably only two or three, and are in the smallest inner circle. There is not much room in here because this is the place for the closest most solid people in your life. These friends never undercut you, never cut you off mid sentence while you are sharing (you listen to their sharing as well!), they believe in you, are honest with you and you know you can trust them. Heart friends are not overwhelmed by your dreams and they understand you don’t have it all together. They will be people whom you can confide vulnerable feelings and seek guidance and confirmation. What you have to be careful when maintaining a good bond with these people is that you are not tempted to only share “sinking boat” situations with them. If you only go to them when the boat is almost underwater for a life ring to be thrown in they will not have a clear understanding of who you are as a whole person – in good times and bad. A very good heart friend will help you tend to the relationship like a garden. These inner circle relationships are worth the effort to maintain. None of us are perfect, we will hurt one-another from time to time but the best inner circle friend is someone who acknowledges the wrongs and makes effort to right them. They will be there to motivate and inspire you to be the best you can be.
Close Friends
The next radiating circle will host a selection of friends that lift you up. You can be yourself around them in a positive and nurturing way. You will find as individuals they may not know all of your innermost secrets, and you not theirs – this is healthy and ok; but they will be people that are good to you and who care. Someone recently said in a seminar I went to “you are the average of the 5 friends you spend the most time with”. Mmmm. You have a think about who you are spending quality time with and make sure they are people that are good to you (and you are good to them) in all aspects of encouragement and kindness
Associates
These people are friendly, but not necessarily good friends…possibly even only just for right now. I never close the door on opportunity of allowing new friends into my life and this “circle of friends” model works so well to accommodate this and why I like it so much. I am a people lover and I always keep wonderful friends at my side. My friends help me to be the best I can be but I never close off the opportunity to meet new people. In my job I talk to lots of people about ‘people situations’ and it’s what I’m interested in of course. I’ve heard so many times “I have my friends and I don’t need anymore”. What you may find is that some of your friends are not constructive in your life and with them gone or moved to an outer circle you will actually have room to nurture a new relationship. I encourage you to enjoy “tending the garden” with the friends you have but be open to extending the plot if that is where the sun is shining! Never miss out on allowing new people that are a good influence into your life, you may also be just the person that a new friend needs in theirs.
Tumors
The positive thing about tumors is that they sit on the fringe of the log so can easily be stripped off! Tumor people can feel overwhelmingly significant in your life taking up lots of ‘what was that?’ time in your mind. These people have often been hurt themselves in their life and have not recovered from this. Tumor toxic people aren’t always toxic forever so long as they get help – but you may find it not possible to help them. It is ok to let these people go, even if only until they have done their own growing. If they are draining you and cluttering your mind they are not healthy for you.
How do you know if you have a Tumor in your life? If you find yourself justifying your position in conversation, if your success and advances stress them out, if they don’t hear you when you’re sharing, if they only appear when they need you, if you find a friend who is talking about others behind their back to you (they will be talking about you like this as well I can almost guarantee it, so be very careful!) – They may be a good friend for someone and may not behave like this with them, but they are not good for you!
Physically write the people from your list into your ‘bark rings’ in a journal. This action helps cement your decision and give permission to detox your mind of tumors, realise potential in new friends and cement responsibility to tend to your heart friends.
Live, Laugh and Love your friends. Love and protect yourself with a friend audit. Be sure to be fun, friendly and fierce with who takes special place in your life
Maria xx
